Enough

May 17th, 2014 § 0 comments § permalink

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How do you know when you’ve had enough? Enough of everything that has ever happened to you? How do you know when to call it quits, and leave everything behind to start something new? Life brings very little joy to me now. I cannot enjoy my days, and live the way I usually do anymore.

I find it hard to smile without having a flicker of doubt or a negative emotion creep up at the back of my mind. I find it hard to laugh without stopping to think if I really am happy, or that I am putting up a front for people to see, to hide how I feel. I find that I put on a mask every single day to hide behind, so that life continues to be normal to every person around me.

I’m getting very tired of this. I’m getting very tired of the emotional, mental, physical roller coaster that I go through day in and day out, and the worst part is the predictability of it all. I’m getting tired of seeing things that are both within and not within my control dictate the way I must behave around people, and that I have to take into consideration the feelings of others before my own. I have to please everyone, yet at the same time I rarely do anything for myself, and I’m beginning to wonder why this selflessness came about, how it manifested in me, and how is it controlling me so strongly that I can hardly, if at all, say anything against the wishes of others when it concerns my happiness.

Every thing that I have experienced within the past few years, bad or good, has always been from my own doing. I had control over everything that I went through, yet at the same time I have none. The game of life for me has almost run it’s course in interesting me enough for me to still want to play it. I don’t want this anymore. I want to pack up, go away, and not come back. Home is where the heart is, but what if my heart is no longer in the right place? I’ll never forget home, and I’ll always be thankful for it, but at this moment, I just want to leave it. Leave everything, and everyone, behind. And not look back.

I’m tired of looking back.